Holy Chaos

It’s been awhile since I've written anything worth sharing, for so very many reasons, one being, I haven’t felt the holiest lately.


My flesh, in case you didn't know, she be ugly.



And she has had lots of opportunities to rear her ugly little head for my family to see. I’m not going to lie, it’s been a tough year for me, and the last three to five months have been especially hard.


But at the end of the day, when I pin that ugly woman down and gag her so that I can hear the Lord, things change. I change. I realize that all this is not for naught, it’s an answer to those crazy prayers I prayed back in the day.


You know those, “make me more like you Lord” prayers. Those, “strip everything that is not of you away” prayers. Crazy prayers. He has literally been doing those things for me and to me.


Crutches? Self reliance? Yup, they've been kicked out. Right out from under me. And you know what? I’m glad. I am so glad for this opportunity to have been beaten to a pulp, you know why? Because I've encountered and discovered God in a deeper way.


No system. No pretense. Just raw, real and at times ugly.


We like to call this a “refining” season. (There’s that word ‘season’ again) But in all seriousness I feel like I've awoken from a deep, fitful sleep and found myself covered in grace.



And I've done nothing to deserve it. Not one thing. I’m His daughter, and He loves me. Even when I’m unbearable (my words, not His. I think His would be ‘stiff-necked’)


Am I doing it all right? Ummmmmmm. NO. But am I beginning to do it differently, most definitely. And you know why? Because I’m beginning to let go. Not all at once, but little by little, I’m letting go. And it’s terrifyingly awesome.


I've learned a lot this last year.



I've learned that ‘ministry’ is hard. It’s loud, it’s chaotic and it is not always what we thought it would be. But so is life, and you know what? That doesn't deter Jesus.


It doesn't deter Him from breaking in, He is after all, Jehovah Shalom, our peace. He breaks into the chaos and brings peace and rest to our very weak little souls.


I was thinking about the song ‘Silent Night’ recently (triggered by another blog post I read). You know: “Silent Night. Holy Night. All is calm. All is bright”.


And I feel that the song is a bit misleading. Have you ever been around a birthing woman? It is far from silent, or calm. And, yes, the moment Christ was born was completely holy and incredible but I‘m doubting it was silent or calm (birthing in a barn?).


But here was God, in the flesh, come to earth in complete humility and complete vulnerability as a baby.


Whoa, wrap your mind around that one for a moment.


And not only did He come in complete bareness, He came into a land that was anything but calm and peaceful. It was complete chaos.


A pagan and corrupt government, a people group, His people group that didn't quite get it, get Him, and yet here He was.


He came anyway.



Into the mess, into the muck, into His world, to redeem, His creation, His children, His image bearers. You….Me…Your family….Your friends…Your enemies….Those we know and those we don’t, near and far.


So what am I saying in all this?


Embrace the process.


Embrace the crazy prayers and their answers, but most importantly, embrace Him.


And Never. Ever. Ever. Let go.


Continuing on in the journey,
Your sister in Christ.

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