As I've mentioned before in previous posts, I am going through quite the “season” with the Lord. And as many of you know, the word “season” can sometimes rub me raw (check out previous posts on this subject here and here). But the fact is, I know deep in my heart and my spirit, that God is good and everything He does is good, including this current process/journey/painful “season”. He is truly sifting me and allowing me to come face to face with a lot of things, including the motives of my heart. And friends, that is a scary, ugly thing to see. The Bible says “"The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9 The answer to that question? God, only God can understand it and make it right before Him, that is, if we allow Him.

As many of you know, I am a very black and white person, and over the last year have allowed myself to be quite real, sharing my own struggles and short comings. One area that I really struggle is parenting. I feel like a failure quite often because instead of the fruit of the Spirit ruling and reigning, ya know, the whole peace, PATIENCE, GENTLENESS, kindness, faithfulness, self-control bit, it’s been the fruit of the flesh, mostly the complete opposite. And no, it’s not a day in, day out thing, but I desire so deeply to be mother who nurtures her children and points them to the Cross and to their Heavenly Father daily. That they would know their worth and their value, created in the image of God. To be set apart from the world, children who will be giant slayers in their generation. And then their humanness and my humanness collide in a cataclysmic flurry and we both end up in tears.

And often I use the excuse, “I didn’t get my quiet time today” , or “If I only had some more time in the Word” then it’d all be good. While those things are partially true, the fact is that doing these acts will not make me more Holy, or patient, if my motives aren’t pure. Time in the Word does transform us and make us more into His likeness when we are doing it for the right reason. What I am saying is, time in the Word, prayer, worship etc is incredibly important, but our motives behind it are what matter. In the sermon on the mount, Jesus said that those who hunger and thirst for righteousness will be filled. It is a hunger and thirst for His righteousness, not a righteousness of our own.

I realized lately that my motives are mixed. I do truly want to be more like Him, to be transformed into His likeness, to hear His heart and His voice, to be Jesus to a lost and dying world, but at the same time I want to “feel” better about me. More times than I realized, I used it as self building tool more than a kingdom building tool. A, “I’m a good Christian because I did X, Y and Z” rather than, a relationship building tool. And I am not sure when the shift came. When I first gave my life to Christ, I truly did hunger and thirst for Him, and then slowly, unknowingly I became religious, a Pharisee, a Saul before he was Paul, type, judging people knowingly or unknowingly for not spending time in the Word or prayer, and the Truth is that’s not His heart. I soon became a Pharisee to myself, judging myself for not “performing” how a “Christian” should, and that is when the transparency began.

The fact is friends, we can’t do it on our own, and our time with Him, while it will make us “feel” better about ourselves, isn’t something to be checked off and then used as an excuse for failing or succeeding. We should be hungering for time with Him, because apart from Him we truly can do nothing. That if we allow Him, His strength is made perfect in our weakness.


If we look at the people Jesus chose, we see such a variety, none of them perfect. In fact Paul says “Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth.” 1 Corinthians 1:26. In other words, it’s not about you or your gifts, it’s about Him, and Who He is.


Yes, when we come to Christ, we are new creations, and that when the Father looks at us, He see us through His Son, but let’s never forget our works of righteousness are like filthy rags before Him, that its by faith we are saved, by His grace, not our good works, and the moment we start to “feel” good about ourselves because we are “doing things right”, we need to check our heart and our motives. True humility takes no note of self, it does not give self accolades, it gives Christ the glory.

Ceasing striving,
Your sister in Christ

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