Self Doubt

Today I found myself singing along to Matt Redman’s 10,000 reasons on my way with the kiddos to the grocery store. I happened to turn it on right at the part that goes


“And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore”


and I was instantly back in a worship service that occurred months ago. The service occurred shortly after a friend of mine’s mother had passed away, and God in His mercy gave me a peek into heaven and I saw her there with Jesus no longer cancer ridden, but standing in the glory of the Son. It caused me to weep with joy that she was no longer in pain and with her Savior. Then months later a man that was like a father to everyone, who loved Jesus deeply, suddenly died. It was strange for me because in my ten short years of being saved I have attended a handful of funerals of believers, those who knew Christ and put their hope and faith in Him, but for some reason, this time was different. I was a flood of emotion, deep sadness at the sudden loss of my friend, but also overwhelming joy knowing that he, was indeed in the presence of Jesus. Something he had longed for. The joy of his salvation, now complete. It set something off in me, or maybe stirred up in me what at times has the tendency to fade into the background of the chaos that is my life. It created a longing to be in the presence of Jesus, my sweet, precious, Lord and Savior Jesus. I was almost jealous that my friend had escaped the earthly torment and was at total peace in the presence of the King. Even now my heart soars at the idea.


It was that short ride to the store today that stirred up those memories and that desire again. What most people don’t know, is I struggle with my perception of my walk with Jesus. I am riddled at times with self doubt, and criticism about my journey with Him, all the while being a Pastor’s wife, missionary and preacher. I get down on myself that I am not in the Word enough, that I do not display the fruit of the Spirit enough. That I stink at sharing my faith. That I worry, do I even love Him the way He deserves to be loved? Do I really long for Him or am I doing this out of a sense of duty? And then, as He does, He breaks in with His mercy and grace and reminds me, through a simple song and a few memories, that I do indeed long for Him. That my walk or my race does not have to look like anything I think it should. That the expectations I place on myself aren't even close to His expectations of me. That what He desires of me is that I would truly love Him with all my heart, mind soul and strength. And I do. Do I love perfectly? Of course not, I am still on this side of eternity. But my greatest desire is to Love Him that way, and it is out of that desire that everything flows. Relationships grow, they ebb and they flow. If there was a checklist, well it wouldn't be much of a relationship.


So though I doubt my heart and myself sometimes, I never doubt Him.
1Jo 3:19-20 NASB - [19] We will know by this that we are of the truth, and will assure our heart before Him [20] in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart and knows all things.


Friends, be encouraged, if you are feeling like a failure  take a time out. Put some worship music on, get in His presence and allow Him to reveal to you His heart and your heart before Him. If there is sin, or things that need to change, by all means change them, but if it is just self doubt, lay it aside and rejoice in Him.
Loving Him with all my heart, mind soul and strength, your sister in Christ.


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